Isabel R. / The stress of sibling separation

Isabel is still in foster care through the Young Adult Voluntary Foster Care Program (YAVFC). She struggled for a long time in foster care because she was separated from all of her siblings and case workers did not do much to ensure they could maintain strong relationships - or relationships at all. She often would move from placement to placement due to being an unwanted teen and not having a desire to be adopted. All this instability and lack of support caused her to develop severe depression and lose her sense of self. Eventually, she became part of the Michigan Youth Opportunities Initiative where she finally felt a sense of belonging. This program helped shape her into who she is today and she found her purpose by being a member of such a supportive community.

While in foster care, she believed that her foster parents could have done better about ensuring she could visit her siblings. She went six years without seeing a sibling. Finally, just a few months ago, she met her sibling and they had to grieve because they did not feel the same about each other as they did when we were kids. She struggles daily knowing that her foster parents did not do enough to help her foster strong relationships with her siblings and now she no longer has a relationship with them. She wishes people would have invested themselves more into understanding the long term impacts that sibling separation has on people. Maybe she would be in a better place today if that had been the case.

The most stressful part of being placed in foster care was the constant state of stress and uncertainty—not knowing who she would live with, how far her siblings were from her, where she would attend school, or who she was.

Being isolated from her siblings was a huge cause of her struggle. She felt particularly hurt and isolated during the holidays.

She was told once by her foster family that she wasn’t “acting excited enough” when they gave her a Christmas gift. She says, “they could never image what it was like to be thinking about your siblings and not having any idea what they were doing, who they lived with, where they were, or how they were holding up.”

Isabel felt that she had to over-perform in school and sports to prove that she was worthy of love, attention, and care.

She remembers this trauma affecting her relationships. She was afraid of going out with people. She was not allowed to go out with friends or on dates, so, when she finally aged out, she didn’t trust others and didn’t really know how to socialize or develop new friendships.

Currently, she is completing her undergraduate degree at the number one public research institution in the United States - the University of Michigan!

She is proud to say that she has graduated from this university debt free and with high honors!

She is ecstatic that this is possible for her, but an even bigger project is in the works! She is planning to begin working on writing a novel about her life—a memoir—that will highlight the foster care experience. She plans to use this book as a way to delve into more than just her experiences. She would love to bring attention to this work and receive notes of support from the community! It will not be an easy process for her and will require that she address many emotions and challenges along the way.

She is also currently working with the Congressional Coalition on Adoption Institute in Washington, D.C. She plans to use this platform to bring attention to the issue of sibling separation and make proposals about solutions or prevention methods. She intends to align her career with her passion for transforming foster care. She is determined to dedicate her life to this purpose. In five years, she sees herself with a masters degree and working with policy in the child welfare system.

Something that brought her comfort while in foster care was the quote: “Something to live for, Something to die for.” This quote helped her get through many times when she felt suicidal due to being isolated and trying to find her purpose. It helped her think about how much her family meant to her and how much she needed to live for her little siblings that were also struggling in foster care.

She thinks the general public should know that even if you aren’t fostering, pay attention! Consider how you might be able to support families that are struggling so that other kids might never have to experience such a damaging system. She would have appreciated more funding resources that lasted longer after aging out.

Her piece of advice for those that are in the system now is: “Use your voice! And you deserve respect just as much as any foster parent. Voice what you need and don’t let anyone invalidate that.”